BEHIND THE FLOWERS. An inspirational story by Sarah Seek.

“So this is 5 baby girl. I’ll still always call you that because my youngest daughter you’ll always stay. But this is 5. So much time has passed yet I feel you here on my chest just like yesterday. Today was all for you. With everything we did today it was intentional because it was your day. The day of your birth. You fought for so long baby girl. I know you longed to breathe in my arms. Your 20 mins was amazing! I’m sorry I missed your fight. But know I was there fighting too. I would honestly do anything for you. And over and over again.

But that one day was all we got. That 20 missed minutes handing you into arms of doctors hoping to give you more than 20 minutes. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That our love and everyone’s fight was not enough. Today hurt without you here. More than I anticipated. It’s so quiet celebrating a birthday girl dancing in heaven. I know heavens a wonderful place to celebrate but if I could just hug my big 5 year old for one second maybe today would have felt better. I really wish heaven worked like that. I really really do. These years might be a little easier living without you in my arms.

I whispered to your dad at the very end of the day. It still hurts. He said I know. But he also said this.... that you’ve done more for us than we could have ever done for you. And I think baby girl that your dad is a very smart man.

You’ve opened up our hearts to love further. You’ve brought new friends in our life. Deepened the good ones we already had. You sent us the gift of a brother on earth to hold who’s a miracle we never thought we’d get again. You ve shown us how fleeting life is. We cherish it more. You’ve opened my heart to a different path behind a lens and I can see this year this path you meant me to take. We have differant dreams as a family now. A different sense of a watchful eye. A lot of love! And a knack for enjoying the small things in life.

You taught us that messages from heaven come in so many ways. But your favorite way is through your sunflowers sunsets, butterfly kisses.

I’m sorry your garden in our yard of sunflowers didn’t do well this year.... but I’m so thankful mn was blessed with a man named Johnny fish. He planted so many sunflowers. I’ve gotten to visit every field but one. And working and walking through those sunflowers have left me with so much peace. We decided to have your birthday party in one today.

Us. Your sisters. Grandparents. Aunties and uncles. Friends. Godmother Sara. And your friend Brooklyn. Came to celebrate. Mom took a break. Hired a photographer for once.

It was perfect. Probably the only time I really felt joyful and at peace today. Your birthday party was 100 percent meant to be in that sunflower field. It was a dreary day. But I prayed for a sunset all day and at the last minute I spotted those pink sky’s you left me to spy, shining from your party in heaven.

I know you were surrounded by love today baby. Both here and in heaven.

Alice asked where your present was. I told her mom gifted to another this year since Everlee isn’t here to recieve. Mom gifted photos to families connected and meant to recieve from your sister. But.....

I wish I could experience 5 on earth with you. Kindergarten. Your first loose tooth. Maybe you’d do dance. Maybe soccer. Would you love our chickens too. Or love tractors like your brother. I’ll never know. I hate that still. Thomas calls sunflowers “sissy”. Alice talks about you everyday. They should have had you here....

We love you big girl. To heaven and back. I hope you felt how loved you were today. And really every day. But celebrated a little extra today. Because today was your special day.
Forever and always.”

— Sarah Seek